Pocahontas

1995  G  ANIMATED  1h 22min

CAST— Irene Beddard, Judy Kuhn, Mel Gibson, David Ogden Stiers, John Kassir, Russell Means, Christian Bale, Linda Hunt, Billy Connelly, Frank Welker, Michelle St. John, James Apaumut Fall

MUSIC— Alan Menken  DIRECTORS— Mike Gabriel, Eric Goldberg

     Walt Disney Pictures brings to life another legendary romance, that of Pocahontas and John Smith. If only it were romantic (or interesting). Londoner John Smith sets sail for the New World with a crew of good hearted sailors led by a pompous windbag whose only ambition is to strike it rich on American soil. Upon arrival Smith is sent to scout for Indians and ordered to shoot to kill. Meanwhile, Native American Pocahontas, daughter of the chief, independent thinker, is watching from afar. She soon meets Smith and teaches him moral lessons that the kids are sure to miss. Beautiful animation is the highlight here; the big problem with the film is its many banal musical numbers, which seem to come every thirty seconds. See if you can count how many times they use the word “savages”. Oscar-winner for Best Score, Best Song (Colors of the Wind).

OUR RATING— **

FOLLOWED BY— Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World (1998)

     Please Stand By

2017  PG-13  COMEDY-DRAMA  1h 33min

CAST— Dakota Fanning, Toni Collette, Alice Eve

MUSIC— Heitor Pereira  DIRECTOR— Ben Lewin

     At times heartbreaking, but more often heartwarming, this drama showcases the tenacity and determination of true Trekkers. Meet Wendy, a diehard fan of all things Star Trek. From characters both leading and supporting to facts both trivial and essential, her knowledge of the Star Trek universe is absolute. Though she lives with autism she still manages to hold employment and live by the rules of her group home. She's also an imaginative and talented writer who's been working on a submission for a Star Trek script-writing contest, the grand prize being $100,000. But she'd better hurry; the deadline is fast approaching, and she's running out of time to mail her entry to Paramount Studios. To be honest, she doesn't want to win the contest only for the money. She also wants to prove to her older sister that she can stand on her own and accomplish her goals like anyone else. But when circumstances prevent her from mailing her script in a timely manner she decides to head to Los Angeles on her own, without permission from anyone. She'll prove she can be her own woman. Thus begins a daunting and dangerous road trip of hundreds of miles, facing strangers of varying degrees of honesty, all in the name of the Enterprise. A film that features fine performances from a talented cast, Dakota Fanning a standout as Wendy. A film that, despite being rather low key and obviously not a blockbuster, still manages to present characters to root for. Can even be appreciated by those not enraptured by Star Trek.

OUR RATING— ***

     Plaza Suite

1971  PG  COMEDY  1h 54min

CAST— Walter Matthau, Maureen Stapleton, Barbara Harris, Lee Grant, Louise Sorel

MUSIC— Maurice Jarre  DIRECTOR— Arthur Hiller  BASED ON— Plaza Suite (play), by Neal Simon

     Interesting premise leaves much to be desired. Walter Matthau stars in this adaptation of the Neal Simon play as three different characters in three different vignettes involving suite 719 of New York’s Plaza Hotel. In our first story, a depressing little tale about middle age infidelity, Maureen Stapleton receives the comedic spotlight as Matthau’s long-suffering wife. The second story involves a manipulative Hollywood producer inviting a former sweetheart to his suite for a drink, and expecting a bit more than a “thank you” in return. The third tale offers a bit more for your money. After planning (not to mention paying for) an extravagant wedding, the father-of-the-bride-to-be discovers that his daughter has locked herself in the bathroom of suite 719 just before the ceremony. So begins the arduous misadventure of coercing her out before the guests get too antsy. Matthau’s performances are fine, but the film just fails to take off. For Neal Simon freaks only.

OUR RATING— * ½

     Plan 9 from Outer Space

1959  NR  SCIENCE FICTION  1h 20min

CAST— Gregory Walcott, Tom Keene, Duke Moore, Mona McKinnon, Dudley Manlove, Joanna Lee, Tor Johnson, Lyle Talbot, Bela Lugosi, Vampira, Criswell

MUSIC— Frank Worth  DIRECTOR— Edward D. Wood, Jr.

     What a piece of work. The master of schlock, Edward D. Wood, Jr., serves up the film that made him a legend, and it’s a doozey. Very human extraterrestrials (from outer space) land on Earth and for reasons unknown begin to raise the dead. These creeping corpses become a nuisance to the police and two other people and the aliens are found to be the culprits. The first half hour is the best simply for its unintentional funny, but it all ranks as B-movie supreme. Some argue that Plan 9 is the worst of the worst, the most horrible film ever conceived. You be the judge, if you dare.

OUR RATING— *

     Planet of the Apes

2001  PG-13  SCIENCE FICTION  2h

CAST— Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clark Duncan, Kris Kristofferson, Estella Warren, Paul Giamatti

MUSIC— Danny Elfman  DIRECTOR— Tim Burton  BASED ON— Planet of the Apes (novel), by Pierre Boulle

     What is it about remakes? They can be big at the box office and can even be as good (or better) than the original. Well, remember Psycho, the 1998 version? It was almost a scene by scene recreation of the 1960 original, minus the direction of Alfred Hitchcock, of course. But then again, consider The Fly (1986). It was almost a completely new movie, with few similarities to the 1958 original. Tim Burton here takes the middle ground. He tries to give a new generation a new vision (“re-imagining”) of the classic sci-fi movie Planet of the Apes (1968). People raised such a fuss over little things that weren’t “right” (okay, we all do that), that they didn’t see that this version is actually quite good. Mark Wahlberg plays Air Force Captain Leo Davidson, who crash lands on a primitive planet run by intelligent, talking apes, and has to escape being turned into a slave. The premise is basically the same as the original, but is delivered with such an impact that little flaws seem to just pass by as of little consequence. It doesn’t have the best acting ever put on screen, but it does have good effects, and the terrific make up makes the original’s look like the face putty that it is. We also don’t have Charlton Heston’s zealous overacting (“Madhouse! A MAADHOUSE!!”), but instead get Wahlberg’s blank, unemotional deadpan. Take your pick, but don’t forget about this one.

OUR RATING— ***

ORIGINAL— Planet of the Apes (1968)

     Planet of the Apes

1968  G  SCIENCE FICTION  1h 52min

CAST— Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, James Whitmore, James Daly, Linda Harrison

MUSIC— Jerry Goldsmith  DIRECTOR— Franklin J. Schaffner  BASED ON— Planet of the Apes (novel), by Pierre Boulle

     Classic science-fictionalized morality tale on man’s inner barbarism. Space explorer Charlton Heston crash lands on a mysterious planet ruled by apes. But not just any apes; these suckers are as close to man as you can get. They speak, they have organized civilizations; but most disturbing of all is the fact that they use humans as slaves. Heston is captured by the apes, but catches a break when he is held under observation by a sympathetic scientist and her fiancée. But when a defender of ape law catches wind of their dealings with this human he begins a campaign to remove all traces of advanced human culture. A fascinating glimpse into the lives of a well developed fictitious culture, complete with laws and religion. The final shot makes the subliminal message clear: is man fit to rule the planet? All seriousness aside the film can be fun escapism, as well. We’ll even forgive Heston for his overacting. But just this once. A note to parents: though given a G-rating the film contains nudity and coarse language. Later developed into two television series. Winner of an honorary Oscar for Outstanding Makeup Achievement. Deemed “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” by the United States Library of Congress National Film Registry.

OUR RATING— ***

FOLLOWED BY— Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970), Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971), Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972), Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

REMADE AS— Planet of the Apes (2001)

     The Pit and the Pendulum

1961  NR  DRAMA  1h 25min

CAST— Vincent Price, John Kerr, Barbara Steele, Luana Anders, Anthony Carbone

MUSIC— Les Baxter  DIRECTOR— Roger Corman  BASED ON— The Pit and the Pendulum (story), by Edgar Allan Poe

     It seems that Roger Corman and Vincent Price have Poe on the mind yet again. This time they head to a secluded castle with more than a few secrets tucked into its turrets. John Kerr, after receiving news of his sister’s death, sojourns to her resting place, a looming castle that houses his late sister’s lover (played by Vincent Price) and his sister. The events surrounding his sister’s death are mysterious, so Kerr plans a detailed inquiry. But Price’s odd behavior increasingly becomes hostile, leading Kerr to doubt Price’s motives and very sanity. And he just doesn’t trust that kook around the castle’s treasured collection of ancient instruments of torture… The second pairing of Corman with Price for a Poe-inspired picture and this one bites as well; yawn-inducing pacing and stodgy performances dampen the potential good times. Great production design for a Corman film, though.

OUR RATING— * ½

     Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

2003  PG-13  ADVENTURE  2h 22min

CAST— Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Jonathan Pryce

MUSIC— Klaus Badelt, Hans Zimmer  DIRECTOR— Gore Verbinski  BASED ON—  Walt Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean (Disneyworld attraction)

     Johnny Depp gives a terrific, Oscar-nominated performance as Captain Jack Sparrow in this ghostly, swash-buckling adventure. Sparrow sets sail to commandeer the ship that was stolen from him, The Black Pearl, from its mutinous pirate captain, Barbossa. But here’s the catch: Captain Barbossa and his pirate crew have stolen and spent treasure that should have been left alone, Aztec Gold. They have now been cursed to roam the seas searching for the last remaining pieces of the spent treasure…as the undead. They must find and recover the spent treasure to reverse the curse, to return to their human state. With good performances and great CGI work, this film should have been more than it is. What we have is entertaining, but it’s overlong by 30-40 minutes, plus, it has too many plot points to keep up with. The best things about it are the effects and Johnny Depp’s performance, which steals the show. Arr!!

OUR RATING— ** ½

FOLLOWED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

     Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

2011  PG-13  ACTION  2h 17min

CAST— Johnny Depp, Penélope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, Ian McShane, Kevin R. McNally, Sam Clafin, Astrid Berges-Frisbey, Stephen Graham, Keith Richards, Richard Griffiths, Roger Allam, Judi Dench

MUSIC— Hans Zimmer, Rodrigo y Gabriela  DIRECTOR— Rob Marshall  BASED ON— Walt Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean (Disneyworld attraction)

     Ah, youth! In the fourth of Disney’s successful pirate series Johnny Depp returns as Captain Jack Sparrow, minus ship and crew. He is soon thrust into all manner of mayhem as he is reunited with Penélope Cruz, a long lost love (or is it lust?) and her quest for the famed fountain of youth. She leads Depp to her father, Blackbeard, pirate of pirates, who longs for eternal life. But they must face the elements, flesh-eating mermaids and shiploads of cutthroats seeking the fountain. Pure escapism, more fun than the last two heavy-handed films combined, though the novelty of Depp’s performance has now been spent. The usual spirited chase scenes and intricate sword play abound, but elements such as new characters and a chilling mermaid feeding frenzy (nary a Disney Princess to be found) keep things fresh. Nothing groundbreaking but fun, nevertheless. Savvy?

OUR RATING— ***

PRECEDED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)

FOLLOWED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

     Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

2017  PG-13  ACTION  2h 9min

CAST— Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, Kevin McNally

MUSIC— Geoff Zanelli  DIRECTORS— Joachim Rønning, Espen Sandberg  BASED ON— Walt

Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean (Disneyworld attraction)

     The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has never been concerned about coherency, and this entry is no exception. As a boy, the son of Will Turner vows to free his father from the wretched curse that plagues him. As a man, the young Turner partners with a beautiful astronomer and (you guessed it) Captain Jack Sparrow. See, this time around there are some undead dudes led by the vicious Salazar who want to kill Sparrow and claim the ultimate treasure: Poseidon’s Trident, a relic that may bring an end to all the curses of the sea. It’s a race to the island that holds the Trident, full of action, suspense and zombie sharks. Not quite as violent as other Pirates films; not as long, either. One can tell that Johnny Depp still has fun as Sparrow but the fifth time around isn’t 1/5 as charming or hilarious as the original. Good enough for fans but for those new to the series the references may go over their heads (heck, some stuff may go over the heads of diehards, as well). All in all fun, but nothing groundbreaking. AKA Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge.

OUR RATING— ** ½

PRECEDED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

     Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

2006  PG-13  ADVENTURE  2h 30min

CAST— Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Stellan Skarsgård, Bill Nighy, Jack Davenport, Kevin R. McNally, Jonathan Pryce

MUSIC— Hans Zimmer  DIRECTOR— Gore Verbinski  BASED ON— Walt Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean (Disneyworld attraction)

     To the depths with ye! More sea farin’ action and antics from the irrepressible Capt. Jack Sparrow; bonus: new and improved creature effects, including a pirate crew of walking seafood and the largest creature to date, the mighty Kraken. Plot-wise it’s a bit thick; Jack Sparrow sends Will Turner in search of a key that will open a hidden chest, but in the process he has Will taken prisoner by Davy Jones to save his own skin. Or something. After that it’s all shouting, cannon fire, and sword play; in other words, lots of fun. Convoluted plot aside this film is all about the action and effects, so if you like your buckles with a bit of swash, enjoy. Arr, again. Oscar-winner for Best Visual Effects.

OUR RATING— ** ½

PRECEDED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

FOLLOWED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

     Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

2007  PG-13  ADVENTURE  2h 48min

CAST— Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Stellan Skarsgård, Bill Nighy, Chow-Yun Fat, Geoffrey Rush, Jack Davenport, Kevin R. McNally, Jonathan Pryce

MUSIC— Hans Zimmer  DIRECTOR— Gore Verbinski  BASED ON— Walt Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean (Disneyworld attraction)

     Now here’s a real head scratcher. One of the most confused and convoluted films in a decade comes along and get this: it’s a hit. Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush return as captains Jack Sparrow and Barbossa, respectively, the saltiest scalawags of the briny seas. They, along with Elizabeth Swann, conspire against Davy Jones and the entire East India Trading Company. But they must be careful; thanks to Sparrow’s trickery Will Turner has joined the opposing team. All of this character drama carries into a plot containing conspiracy within conspiracy, Davy Jones’ heart, a pirate counsel, the sea goddess Calypso, etc., etc. This of course is secondary to the action; cannons blazing, swords clashing, ships being blown to smithereens. This time around, though, the action seems stale, almost monotonous. And the storyline? Come on. Only the nerdiest of them all will understand their constant blather over conspiracies and allegiances. Oh well, whatever floats your boat. Arr. Yeah, whatever.

OUR RATING— **

PRECEDED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)

FOLLOWED BY— Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

     Pinocchio

1940  NR  ANIMATED  1h 28min

CAST— Dickie Jones, Christian Rub, Cliff Edwards, Evelyn Venable, Walter Catlett, Frankie Darro

MUSIC— Paul J. Smith  DIRECTORS— Ben Sharpsteen, Hamilton Luske  BASED ON— The Adventures of Pinocchio (novel), by Carlo Collodi

     Walt Disney delivers yet another masterpiece in the form of a puppet who longs to live as a human boy. When Geppeto the wood carver fashions a marionette into the shape of a boy, his heart longs for a son. When night falls the Blue Fairy grants his wish, turning the marionette Pinocchio into a walking, talking being. Though still made of wood he may prove himself worthy; if he lives a decent life, discerns right from wrong, only then will he be made human. His newfound friend Jiminy Cricket accepts the task of watching over the boy, to be his conscience, as it were. But when they enter the world for the first time together, Pinocchio’s naiveté gets the best of him. And that’s where the fun begins. Jiminy Cricket must bail him out of one jam after another in this series of misadventures that is sure to keep viewers riveted right up to the harrowing finale. With breathtaking animation and superior Technicolor it’s a feast for eyes of all ages. And that’s no lie. Deemed “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” by the United States Library of Congress National Film Registry.

OUR RATING— ***

REMADE AS— Pinocchio (2002)