Trailer Unavailable

     Return to Lonesome Dove

1993  NR  WESTERN/TELEVISION  5h 40min

CAST— Jon Voight, Barbara Hershey, Rick Schroder

MUSIC— Ken Thorne  DIRECTOR— Mike Robe

     A non-canonical entry in the Lonesome Dove saga. In other words one can enjoy this miniseries but don’t include this in the official series. As Captain Call is about to return to Montana after burying his friend Augustus McCrea in Texas, he sets his heart on driving a herd of wild ponies to his new ranch. He calls upon various allies, from former Texas Rangers to able horsemen. He soon deals with a gaggle of Mexican vaqueros, headed by a young woman adept with horses but harboring a secret that could spell doom for Call. Meanwhile, there’s a new threat on the plains: Cherokee Jackson, and he’s as formidable as any they’ve faced before. To top things off a plains fire wipes out Clara Allen’s ranch in Nebraska, so they soon join the party, despite Clara’s seething animosity towards Captain Call. As much a soap opera as it is an action-packed Western, so there’s enough to please most tastes, despite the fact that this is not to be found in Larry McMurtry’s authorized series.

OUR RATING— ** ½

PRECEDED BY— Lonesome Dove (1988)

     The Return of the Vampire

1943  NR  HORROR  1h 9min

CAST— Bela Lugosi, Frieda Inescort, Nina Foch, Roland Varno, Miles Mander, Matt Willis

MUSIC— Mario Castelnuovo-Tedesco  DIRECTOR— Lew Landers

     Bela Lugosi stars in this WWI-era vampire tale with a lycanthropic twist. Lugosi plays a vampire (of all things) who employs a werewolf slave in his quest to turn a young woman. If only the place wasn’t being bombed so often. Fairly entertaining.

OUR RATING— **

     Return of the Seven

1966  NR  WESTERN  1h 35min

CAST— Yul Brynner, Robert Fuller, Warren Oates, Claude Akins, Julián Mateos, Virgilio Teixeira, Jordan Christopher

MUSIC— Elmer Bernstein  DIRECTOR— Burt Kennedy

     Actually, the title is misleading since the Magnificent Seven can’t technically return due to several of the original seven being killed off the first time around. But Yul Brynner has returned as Chris and he’s again trying to gather a tough crew to go up against insurmountable odds. Several Mexican villages have been raided, the spoils taken not gold or jewels but men, Chris’ pal Chico among them. It seems a tyrannical Mexican despot is trying to rebuild a church as a monument to his sons. Or himself. Or something. Anyway, he’s using the strong backs of hapless farmers to obtain his misguided objective. The new seven must take a stand if they’re to win the battles ahead. Never reaches the height that the first film made but adequate entertainment is to be had, especially in the final third of the film. Suffers, though, when it comes to star power. Average. AKA Return of the Magnificent Seven, The Magnificent Seven 2.

OUR RATING— **

PRECEDED BY— The Magnificent Seven (1960)

FOLLOWED BY— Guns of the Magnificent Seven (1969), The Magnificent Seven Ride (1972)

     The Return of the Pink Panther

1975  G  COMEDY  1h 54min

CAST— Peter Sellers, Christopher Plummer, Catherine Schell, Herbert Lom

MUSIC— Henry Mancini  DIRECTOR— Blake Edwards

     Director Blake Edwards and star Peter Sellers return to the world of comedic mystery in the fourth Pink Panther film. The Pink Panther diamond has been stolen from the Lugash museum in which it was displayed, despite the high tech security system protecting it. It seems the culprit is none other than the Phantom (see The Pink Panther [1963]), yet he swears his innocence. Lugash officials want Inspector Clouseau on the case, seeing as how he took down the Phantom in the past. Clouseau fumbles and bumbles his way through Lugash, the French countryside and the Swiss Alps in his search for the perpetrator. Meanwhile, the Phantom scrambles to stay alive as the European underworld all believe him to be the thief. More plot-heavy than it needs to be, which is a bummer. But the real disappointment is in the antics of Sellers. Sure, he’s still entertaining, even after an eleven year absence, but the funny seems rather forced whereas with other films in the series the comedic flow is impeccable. Still, this is better than Alan Arkin’s attempt at Clouseau. Then again, what isn’t?

OUR RATING— ** ½

PRECEDED BY— The Pink Panther (1963), A Shot in the Dark (1964), Inspector Clouseau (1968)

FOLLOWED BY— The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976), Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978), Trail of the Pink Panther (1982), Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), Son of the Pink Panther (1993)

     Return of the Fly

1959  NR  SCIENCE FICTION  1h 20min

CAST— Vincent Price, Brett Halsey, David Frankham, John Sutton, Dan Seymour, Danielle De Metz

MUSIC— Paul Sawtell, Bert Shefter  DIRECTOR— Edward L. Bernds

     Forgettable sequel to the memorable ’58 classic The Fly. Son of the original fly takes up his father’s work, much to the chagrin of his uncle Vincent Price. Junior takes up with a crook who plans to steal the plans to the teleporter and sell to the highest bidder, after he turns Junior into a humanoid fly, of course. Fly then seeks a bloody revenge and blah, blah, blah… You get the point.

OUR RATING— **

PRECEDED BY— The Fly (1958)

FOLLOWED BY— Curse of the Fly (1965)

     The Return of Doctor X

1939  NR  SCIENCE FICTION  1h 2min

CAST— Humphrey Bogart, Rosemary Lane, Dennis Morgan, John Litel, Huntz Hall, Wayne Morris

MUSIC— Bernhard Kaun, Max Steiner  DIRECTOR— Vincent Sherman  BASED ON— The Doctor’s Secret (story), by William J. Makin

     Mystery, murder, conspiracy. These three seem to be falling all around small-time news reporter Wayne Morris who, along with his doctor pal begin to investigate strange local murders. The victims have all been killed with expert skill, their blood drained. But the mystery is that the next day the victims are out and about, albeit a bit more pale than usual. The two investigators find the first of these oddities in Humphrey Bogart, a disturbing figure with a thing for blood. A slightly entertaining shocker that won’t leave you guessing, won’t leave you wired, and surely won’t leave you begging for more. In no way related to Doctor X (1932).

OUR RATING— **

     The Return

2006  PG-13  HORROR  1h 26min

CAST— Sarah Michelle Gellar, Peter O’Brien, Adam Scott, Kate Beahan, J. C. MacKenzie, Erinn Allison, Sam Shepard

MUSIC— Dario Marianelli  DIRECTOR— Asif Kapadia

     Too many questions, too few answers. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays an industrious young business woman whose latest assignment takes her to her small hometown in Texas. Once there she becomes rather detached from reality (perhaps because of the blackouts, ghostly hallucinations and self mutilation?). She begins to unravel a years-old mystery that irrevocably links her with home sweet home. Dreadfully uneven and painfully boring (not to mention thoroughly confusing) the film has absolutely no redeeming qualities. “Return” to sender.

OUR RATING— *